Happiness is truly an accomplishment.

This past Summer, Nick and I were the poorest we’ve ever been. Nick is an electrician and at the start of the summer, he hurt his back on the job. When he called me on his way home that day, I could hear in his voice and feel in my bones how this was the beginning of hard times. He fractured his vertebrae and herniated multiple disks. We experienced the difficulties in working with insurance providers, workers comp, and the doctors and services they provide. I’ve been with Nick for ten years and I’ve always known him to have a high pain tolerance, so it naturally rocked me to see him in so much pain. I felt like the rug was ripped from under us.

I’m a freelance graphic and web designer, illustrator, and digital marketing consultant. Since I moved out of my parent’s house, I’ve been living on a prayer. It’s been three years of working tremendously hard, learning from every mistake, and consistently operating from my highest potential. Aside from my hardworking attitude, I’ve been extremely fortunate. Every time a project wrapped-up, I would get this sinking feeling, “is this when my luck is going to run out?”. I never knew the origin of my next paycheck, but somehow, my next client or project would find me. This would happen time-and-time-again through friends, referrals, or my online spaces; but sure enough, I would always have my next job.

After Nick got hurt, my luck ran out.

Suddenly, there was no work. Thankfully, I tucked some money away for this, so I waited comfortably for a few weeks… but no work came. I prayed impatiently, applied to remote-work online, searched UpWork and Craigslist for random gigs… and nothing. The market is over-saturated with graphic designers trying to be the quickest and the cheapest. I’ve never liked playing that game, and I was realizing that valuing my time and talents was a privilege.

All of my neurosis stared me in the face as I couldn’t look away from my inability to lean on others, to find peace amidst chaos, and settle the pit brewing in my stomach. I didn’t want to share these ugly feelings with anyone, so I retreated deeper within myself.

We were amidst a chronic crisis. Weeks were going by with no answers or positive outcomes. Most mornings I’d open my eyes to feelings of dread, and most evenings ended in tears and slight panic. I was totally overcome by my mind’s melodrama and catastrophic tendencies. I’d imagine the worst possible outcomes with no hope in sight. I recently opened a small yoga studio in my town and didn’t know how to bring myself to face the community. I love to uplift others and share my light, but now I was the one in need of upliftings. All of my neurosis stared me in the face as I couldn’t look away from my inability to lean on others, to find peace amidst chaos, and settle the pit brewing in my stomach. I didn’t want to share these ugly feelings with anyone, so I retreated deeper within myself.

After months of anxiety and depression, I woke-up early one morning for the sunrise. I went for a long walk and sat by a river bank to cry. I weeped and engulfed myself in sorrow. I felt every mistake, insecurity, and loss. I’m assuming my mind was desperately searching for the reasons, circumstances, and decisions that led me to this place of pain and suffering. I then lifted my chin and looked up at the sun meeting my face. It was a dewy morning and the sunshine felt warm on my cheeks. I got this sense of a new beginning emerging and I went with it. I trusted and held onto the feeling, and every day got a little better after that.

I suddenly looked at my life… I looked around the room… I tried to receive this wake-up-call with grace as tears rolled down my cheeks. I prayed that night, but my prayers looked a little different.

A couple weeks later, I found myself settling into my chronic crisis. I let myself go, try new things, and rest because… frankly, there was no work to be done. One afternoon, I was laying on my day bed with the windows open, enjoying some snuggles with my lady-cat, listening to a podcast by OnBeing. They had two special guests, Kate Bowler and Wajahat Ali, discussing their intimate experiences with cancer. Kate has been living with stage-four colon cancer for about 5 or so years, has a young son, and is only in her 30s. Wajahat’s daughter was diagnosed with stage-four liver cancer, survived a transplant, and lives on as a survivor. I could hear the word of God… so potent… in every word, tone, and phrase that these two shared in their conversation of hope and perseverance.

I suddenly looked at my life… I looked around the room… I tried to receive this wake-up-call with grace as tears rolled down my cheeks. I prayed that night, but my prayers looked a little different. Instead of begging, pleading, promising to be better if only I had this or that… I quietly said, “thank you”. I prayed and expressed genuine gratitude for my life and its circumstances. Everyday since then, I take a moment to let God know, “I can handle this, thank you.”

I’ve had my fair share of struggles over the years, but worrying about finances has never been my strong suit. I feel it’s a deep ancestral wound that I have to face and shed light on. Yes, money is a basic necessity to our survival, so of course the mind goes out of control trying to think up solutions and worrying about various outcomes; but my work as a Yogi, walking this spiritual path, is to rise above the mind’s chatter and find inn-peace. I’ve gotten really good at establishing presence and happiness when everything is going my way, but I’m not sure I’ve ever been able to feel joy amidst calamity.

I am so grateful for this newfound wisdom. I am in awe that I feel at peace despite having no answers or external change. I am realizing I always looked for happiness outside myself, and for the first time, I’ve established it within.

I can honestly say that I am happy despite my own melodrama. I feel so accomplished to have traveled to the other side of this catastrophe, and I thought that that would mean I had gotten what I wanted… a fat paycheck, a new job, some sort-of security… but no, I don’t have any of those things and I am hopeful for the future. This too shall pass and while it is still going on, I don’t want to miss the people, places, and things that are around me.

I am so grateful for this newfound wisdom. I am in awe that I feel at peace despite having no answers or external change. I am realizing I always looked for happiness outside myself, and for the first time, I’ve established it within. I needed to face my biggest fears to come to this conclusion and I’m working everyday to integrate it.

If you are still reading, know that it is not a cliche that happiness starts with you and that it is possible to feel joy amidst dark times. Don’t feel guilty if you achieve this, and instead, be exceptionally proud of yourself for it takes enormous strength to rise above the small-self. If you’re wondering how to achieve this happiness, start by being grateful for being alive… today. Immerse yourself in a meditation of recognizing all the love in your life and the little things that bring you joy. It can be as simple as a candle with your favorite scent, an indoor plant that continues to grow and clean your air, a loved one who’s alive and well in the world with you… it can be the sound of wind moving through your windows or the sun rising again in the morning.

Gratitude is definitely an exercise with extreme powers. Start with a short list, let it grow into a daily meditation, and graduate to letting God know that you’re okay… you need nothing and are grateful for everything. Some books I’ve read over the past few months that have proven to be helpful are… The Untethered Soul by Michael A Singer, It Didn’t Start with You by Mark Wolynn, and Kate Bowler’s Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I’ve Loved.

Peace starts within you… let’s practice this together.

Blessings,

Kate