They say bad things come in threes. Well, for me, that was a few challenging circumstances ago. I know that I’m not alone when I say this because it seems 2020 has been challenging everyone. The Universe definitely continues to deliver what we need for our own individual and collective evolution, and if you were like me, and prayed for personal growth, then you may be joining me in humility.
I don’t know how people endure challenging times without a practice or some sort of daily ritual to connect to truth, higher-ground and understanding; and it’s funny because the first thing that I want to give up when I feel small is my daily yoga practice. I know how transformative it can be, and yet when I feel squeezed the way that I have, all I want to do is close the blinds, take melatonin, and sleep. Sometimes that may even be necessary! But I know I still have some fight left in me to get out of bed, make the bed, and get on my mat.
I know that I practice my routines and rituals in preparation for these more difficult times. When it’s sunny out and there’s a gentle breeze and all feels quiet, peaceful, and still… it’s easy to get on my mat and have a beautiful practice. But can I conjure up that same grace when I feel defeated, lost, and out-of-touch. This morning I got on my mat and had a moment where I felt so disconnected I could cry but no emotion was available for the release. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for to put my love and kindness to the ultimate test. How will I treat myself throughout my practice today when inside I feel aggression, grief, and hopelessness?
I decided to take it slow. I told myself it doesn’t have to be the “full” practice today and it definitely doesn’t have to look or feel a certain way. I started simple with the breath and cat-cows, and that progressed into it’s own beautiful unraveling. I ended up opening my shoulders, lingering in poses I didn’t even know I needed, and ended with yin and restorative postures. When laying in savasana, I didn’t feel miraculously healed, but I did feel ready for the next moment. I felt subtly energized and willing to start my day, and I’ve continued to let the morning unravel the same way that my practice did on my mat.
When I felt this tense and stressed in the past, I used to turn to marijuana to escape. I also would often times get stuck in looped thinking and habitual behaviors. I would ruminate on the negative aspects of my recent life and circumstances and usually find someone or something to blame for my misery. I had an attitude. I would like to be left alone but also dreaded the loneliness. It was a trap. I would be tangled up so tight in my own mess and expect that someone or something else could or should come rescue me. I am still working to forgive myself for the burdens I placed on my boyfriend of 7 years. In the beginning of our relationship, I had no coping mechanisms and often turned to him to pick-me-up and solve my problems.
My own personal growth is a combination of maturity, love, and discipline. Whatever form of yoga one practices, the most important and crucial requirement is self-discipline, without which, one cannot see the positive results of yoga. In Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras, self-discipline is known as ‘Tapas’. It is the willingness to do the work and the desire to learn. Self-discipline can be applied to any activity – being more productive at work, improving your interpersonal relationships, following a healthy diet, learning a new hobby, controlling your anger and emotions, etc. In yoga, self-discipline is the commitment to the practice. I practice some form of yoga each day, and I’ve learned this is especially important on the difficult days.
We can learn from Sacred Geometry the natural order of life. Within the ancient symbol, the Flower of Life, is two other ancient symbols: the Seed of Life and the Tree of Life. Together, they symbolize the miracle of a fruit tree. The fruit tree goes through a cycle where its flower turns into fruit, which holds the seed needed to plant a new tree. Once the fruit falls from the tree, the seed can then be released and enter the earth to start the cycle again.
Why is this relevant?
Life and death are a part of a cycle. In this case, metaphorical death. Each time you feel down, confused, chaotic and lost… you are going through a metaphorical death and beautiful transformation. In these difficult times, we are all just fruit falling from the tree. We feel like there is no ground beneath us, but the cycle reassures us that once again there will be order. We will metaphorically hit the ground as a seed ready to be planted, nurtured, and loved; and we will grow tall once more and reach our branches to the skies for abundance and satisfaction. We will flower in our abundance and radiate our beauty. Our actions will turn into fruits and from those fruits we will fall again… and the cycle continues.
I know I’m personally facing extremely challenging situations that are testing my grace, strength, and center… and maybe you feel the same. If I can offer you anything, it’s simply an invitation to take it slow and love yourself through it. Try to avoid aggression and self-sabotage as best you can. You and I are destined for greatness, and even though we are falling right now and feel unsure and uncomfortable, that doesn’t mean that we are not great. This is just a part of the cycle, so stick with your routines as best you can, especially the one’s that uplift you and remind you of who you truly are: magnificent.
I’d love to hear from you. Wishing you well. Namaste.